ok. so...back to life as it one was. no more funerals. no more pain. no more feeling as tho i could vomit. no more tears. no more. no more. no more. and its pretty good to have that all behind me. of course, it really isnt...behind me. its going to be on my mind for quite a while. but i was glad to get things over with as selfish as it sounds. something about it seemed very unreal. i kept expecting for it to be someone else in that casket. not my aunt bev. it couldnt be. but the tears flowing from robin and jennys eyes proved me wrong.

because my aunt had cancer, they really didnt want an open casket viewing. she had looked horrible when she passed on. so they held a thing for the family to see her one last time. well, my mom and i werent really invited to that since it was my dads side and we RARELY saw her. erm, we got there a little early and they still had the casket open when we got there. and that made me feel extemely sick. swept my ideas of disbelief RIGHT out the window. *sigh* jenny is a spliting image of my aunt. that hurt too.

i dont see my dads side of the family that often. and they were all commenting on how gorgeous and beautiful i was. and it just didnt feel right to me. i mean, its nice to be considered gorgeous and beautiful by someone other than your boyfriend, but we definately should have been talking about how beautiful and kind and amazing my aunt was. just didnt feel right at all.

afterwards, i went with my dad to the burial. august 15, 2002 is a day that will stay in my forever. not only did i say goodbye to a true angel, but i saw my father cry for the first time ever. he hugged me, kissed my shoulder, and told me he loved me as a tear strolled down his face and i started crying. bawling actually. he was crying all day. it was just awkward. him and my mother actually talked like civilized adults too. which was NICE. made me smile actually. when he was talking to my mom, he said he had done all of his crying. and he was wrong of course. after the burial, he stood leaning on a tree and his face in his hand crying for 10 minutes as i sat in the drivers seat of the air conditioned rental car. that was even hard for me to take. but hey, i dont think i should be so judgemental of my father. hes not so bad. i say things about him because he put me through so much pain in the past. but...he doesnt deserve it. hs a normal guy who just wasnt happy. and why live life unhappy? as i grow older, im realizing i wouldve done the same thing. my mom is really a psychotic maniac. and while i dont really LOVE his choice for a replacement, i dont know her enough to not like her. so why pretend i do because mother wants me to? i have my own mind. and they want to get married. hes a grown man and i should accept it. and well, suprisingly enough, i do. i really do.

we went to my aunt gail and uncle daves afterwards which was nice. got to converse with people i love even though i never see them. made plans with connie[my 21 year old cousin{dads cousin actually. like i said, JERRY SPRINGER life}] to hang out. her and her room mate love my style. they want to chill with me and 'corrupt' me. but like i told them, thats already been done. ellen didnt seem that happy to see me, but brenda was amazed at how ive grown into a woman.[ellen and brenda = connies sisters] brenda had a baby too. paige i believe. very cute. uncle tim is in prison...uncle jeff has his own business in hawaii. grampa bill looks EXCELLENT. lost a lot of weight. gramma debbie is still gorgeous. she amazes me. shes really a toothpick. with long, blonde flowing hair. beautiful. pop pop[great grandfather] looks incredible. nan nan is...oi. she needs a wheelchair or walker to get around. shes going crazy too. doesnt really recognize anyone except my dad and i which was weird. she thinks im beautiful too. she cant come to grips with bev being gone either. i mean, she thinks its a prank.

OH! got home yesterday and hung around for a bit and all the sudden sara comes in and says "allison wants you. shes outside". so i walk out and shes there with jessica and nicole, my cousins from west virginia. aww. theyre so beautiful. i was amazed to see them. and theyve grown so fast. we went to the boardwalk and i took some pics..ill put them on here later.

so thats it. comment on some pics or poems. havent gotten comments lately.